Relationships are mirrors
11 Dec Written By Nicole Schwabenbauer
One thing I know for sure is that, if you don’t heal what you have been through or what has happened too you it will stay, and it will wait.
Life is a big lesson, and if you don’t learn the certain lessons that are given too you they will keep showing up in your life until you learn the lesson. One is the relationship with your parents, your parents can wound you in certain ways, and if you are unaware of it and the traumas you experienced from the relationship with your parents, they will show up in your other relationships, if you were a child that had to put in so much effort just to get your parents love or acceptance, chances are once you start dating and get into a relationship you will attract the same dynamic, and because you’re used to this you might think, “I put in so much effort because I love them so much and that’s what love is, It’s a lot of effort.”
But there’s a difference between putting in effort and over extending yourself, love that makes you lose yourself is not love, It’s an attachment and It’s a trauma bond.
The trauma bond will feel electric and almost obsessive, like every time you go to give up on this person It’s like a magnet that always pulls you back, and I feel until you work through and look at the reasons why, you will continue to attract it, some people won’t understand this, they’ll ask “why did you make such a stupid decision to date someone like that?”, but a lot of it is unconscious even you don’t know why sometimes, why does someone keep going back to someone that mentally and emotionally abuses them?, if that was the same as what they felt when they were a child from their parents, they don’t know any better, because the love feels the same, people can argue they didn’t treat their child a certain way and they were raised fine, but if your child has a certain way they need to be loved like with words of affirmation and quality time but all you do is buy them things and never give them a compliment, and neglect quality time, you aren’t loving your child right, It’s hard to put your ego aside and to admit maybe I am wrong, but if you never acknowledge what you’ve done right or wrong in your life, you can never live past that experience and the experience will keep living in you.
I went through two horrible experiences and once I had my second relationship after, I sat and asked myself, what am I doing?, am I doing something wrong?, what is the reason as to why I keep attracting this?. I spent years avoiding relationships after the first one and thought It’ll just get better next time, but never dealing with what happened and WHY, so I attracted the exact same relationship next time, but it hurt more, life will hand you the same situation till you understand, and I knew after the last one I had to sit and understand, because I wouldn’t have lived through another one.
It's not about blaming yourself for everything that has gone wrong in your life, some things are really out of our control, but you have to sit and ask yourself why is this your life, is this the one you really want for yourself, you deserve a good, loving and open relationship, why aren’t you receiving that?, you have to start with yourself, do you feel as if you don’t deserve a wonderful relationship?, where does that idea come from? did someone say that to you over time, or someone made you feel as if you didn’t deserve more than that?, do you have certain walls up so high no one can get in, why is that?, you have to ask yourself a lot of questions and get clear on the answers, you can lie to other people, but never lie to yourself, the person that will always suffer the most is yourself, It’s family trauma and it continues till someone decides to heal it, I see it in other family’s and I see it in my own.
Having awareness is the first step, unless you’re aware of your traumas and the decisions you’re making you can go your whole life unconsciously making decisions.
I notice a lot of people make decisions and not sit and ask why, they choose a certain partner but why, want to move somewhere.. but what’s the reason, and not a simple because “I like them”, a real answer. I feel sometimes deep down people know a partner is wrong for them but they’re pushing a certain lifestyle on themselves, they feel pressure to have a partner or to get married, so whoever they’re currently dating, even if It’s a trauma bond they force it as long as they can to say they’re in a relationship, or to say they’re married or getting married, but you should ask yourself why am I doing that?, why do I need others validation so badly that even if something isn’t truly for me I’m forcing it, because I feel that’s what I have to do, you can force a relationship as long as you want, but if It’s not authentic and coming from your soul eventually it’ll end and a lesson you could’ve learnt earlier, but instead, you’re just extending it out to learn later.
Blog photo by alyssia.strasser on Instagram
