I choose me

Depression, depression is a big subject, one that I think about a lot, a psychologist once told me that everyone will experience depression at least once in their life, from maybe losing a job, from someone passing away, when you go through a break up, from a wide range of things, and all situations effect everyone differently, one situation that you might be able to get over or learn how to cope with better, may be the one thing that drives someone into depression.

There is also a wide range of symptoms when it comes too depression, I am in no form a psychologist, therapist or doctor, but I’ve had my own experiences of dealing with depression and seeing others experience and go through it first-hand.

Depression can range from mild to severe, maybe you go through a phase in your life something has happened and you’re feeling a bit more sad, un motivated, lethargic, tired and just not having the best thoughts, and maybe you can decide to see a therapist or have a close friend to talk too and eventually you feel you get out of the fog, but with some people, they can’t get out of the fog.

I’ve gone through a long journey of depression myself, that I’m still trying to figure it out as I go, but I have felt I got put through this journey so I can really understand it and also use what I can and the knowledge I’ve gained over time to help people.

It’s only been the last few years I came to realize that I actually had depression and it took me months to come to terms with it, I had this mentality that there must be something wrong with me, and why can’t I do this on my own and do I need medication because I’m not capable to figure it out by myself or maybe I’m just too weak minded.

I think my symptoms started around the age of 13, possibly earlier, but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at the age of 23. Maybe if I was diagnosed and given medication at a younger age my life decisions would have been completely different, or my life. Or maybe I would still be struggling to cope and switching medications, which I see ends up happening with a lot of people. They’ll be on the medication but the symptoms are still the same, and they try different types but it always seems to still be there.

What I’ve come to notice is that depression isn’t always just you aren’t feeling like your usual self and your moods are more lows than highs, and just maybe seeing a talk therapist or medication will solve the problem, I’ve become aware that depression is so much more than that.

It takes more than just seeing a therapist or medication, medication helps, and if you feel that’s the right path for you, you should have no shame in it at all, some peoples brain just can’t produce the chemicals it really needs, and that’s okay, and if you need some extra help and assistance there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It got to the point one day I just wasn’t coping anymore, I felt for a few years there I was struggling, extremely, I could barely get out of bed, I could only manage working a 15-20 hour week because I mentally and physically couldn’t do any more than that, and on a daily basis I had suicidal thoughts.

I noticed it more sometime after my mum passed, my dad had also passed years prior to this. It’s a really weird space to be in, being 23 and having no parents, no support system, and on top a bunch of other things. There was a day I went to the beach with my partner and we sat down watching the sunset and I said “I just don’t want to be here anymore, I really don’t, this isn’t fair”. I think about that day a lot because now I visit the same beach several times a week, and my emotional and mental state has changed so much that I haven’t had those kinds of thoughts for over a year now. I went from having severe depression to the point I had suicidal thoughts constantly running unless I slept, too now my mind feels clear, I’m more energized, I genuinely feel happy emotions like, love, and joy on a daily basis, have gone back to laughing so much more, and actually seeing a future and having hope for myself, when I previously was in a space where I didn’t feel a single positive emotion and had no hope for myself or my future.

I know there’s some people out there, or maybe reading this and you could be going through your own journey of depression, and sometimes it really feels like it won’t get better, and there’s no way out, or you hate your life and really feel like this just isn’t going to improve or ever get better. But I promise you, it gets better, you’re going through a tough period in your life, and it seems like there no end too it and no way out, but it’s just a period in your life, I promise you it is not your whole life and you’re not meant to suffer your whole life, you deserve so much more.

There is more to life than feeling so depressed you don’t even have the energy to live, and feeling like that your whole life and then you die, it’s not meant to be that way, and you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life.

There are several aspects that have helped me over time with my journey, a lot of things can set you into depression, but also keep you there. The thing about depression you get stuck into a mindset, your mind automatically thinks the worst, and will find the worst, It’s hard to find the good things in life, so if something bad happens, It’s almost like a confirmation like “ugh of course that happened”. I feel what makes it hard to get out of depression is that it requires so much more than just medication and it requires major changes in your life.

Awareness

The first step is awareness, you have to become aware of the fact you have depression, I went a whole decade without realizing I even had depression, and you think how can you not know? There’s a lot of reasons. If your mood, behaviours and mentality is always a certain way for so long, why would you think there is anything wrong if you’ve always been that way, you feel as if that’s just your personality. I had to get too the point where it was so obvious, I had no choice but to come to terms with the fact I was depressed, and even then, I second guessed it for months. Awareness is the first key, if you aren’t sure confide in a friend, family member or your partners advice, that you really trust and talk to them about it, or talk to your doctor about it and they’ll do a mental health screening to see how you’re coping and if really needed, next is seeing a psychologist for a proper diagnosis. You have to become aware of the problem first to be able to solve the problem

Surroundings

Your surroundings play a huge factor into the person you are and who you become, depending on where you are in your life’s journey you need to become aware of your surroundings, how is your living situation? Are you living with a partner, maybe friends or family, how are they as people? how do they treat you? is the environment safe? Do you feel calm at home or do you always feel uptight and hostile? It’s not just where you live, it’s the friends you choose to hang out with, the family members you choose to interact with, the job you work, everything affects it. If your friends don’t make you feel important, loved and you aren’t emotionally connecting because you, them or both, are emotionally closed off then you feel you have no one to trust, or to talk too when things aren’t going well for you, and that contributes too the depression. It’s very hard to change friends or decide to end a relationship especially if you have been together for a long time, but your mental health is important and so are you, everyone deserves real authentic relationships where they feel loved, heard, appreciation and important, if a friend can’t put something aside for you that isn’t important when you’re really in need of some advice or comfort, then you need a new friend.

Partners

It’s the same for romantic partners, they are one of the biggest reasons in your life if someone can make or break you, they can either improve your life so much and bring so much love, joy, care and happiness in your life, or quite literally ruin your life. You make major life decisions together, you become mirrors of each other, so you have to pick your partners wisely.

Family

The same goes for family, they may be blood, but no one deserves to be mis treated, disrespected, misunderstood, unheard or abused, you have every right to distance yourself or cut ties with who ever you feel is mentally and emotionally affecting you in a negative way, you have to do what is best for you, and if someone really loved and cared for you they would want the same. There are also your family dynamics, does depression run in your family? How did the members cope with it? Are they on medication or still on it? Why do you think that is? Have your family members ever dealt with the emotional hardships they’ve gone through in their life, are they truly living the life they wanted, are they truly internally happy? A lot of your answers come from how your parents cope in life and have navigated themselves through their own life.

There are so many angles of what can cause depression and keep you stuck in that space, over my own journey I have learnt so much, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve ended romantic relationships, started a new one, ended friendships and made new ones, cut communication from family members and moved houses several times. I’ve actively made decisions over time I felt for me were the right decision to help me be able to improve and heal myself mentally and emotionally. Sometimes you need space from certain surroundings just so you can really analyse is this environment good for me. Sometimes you won’t realize how toxic an environment or person is until you’re out of that environment and in a better one.

I’m still a work in progress, I’m still on medication, I still have days I feel more off than the others, but I feel myself and my partner can agree I have completely changed as a person since going on this journey, I feel I have grown more into my authentic self and becoming who I truly am and who I’m truly meant to be, because I followed my own heart, I put more trust into myself, I started to love myself more and not continue to seek it in other people, and I started to stand up for myself, working through depression isn’t just wanting to feel happy, It’s re learning behaviours that aren’t benefiting you anymore, It’s romantic relationship that aren’t meant for you anymore or friends you don’t click with no longer but still force yourself to see, and putting up with family members disrespecting you just because they’re family. It’s finally saying to yourself, I deserve love, I deserve joy and I deserve happiness, and that’s what I’m choosing in my life, and now I finally choose me.

Blog photo by Alyssia.strasser on Instagram